goto Appendx main menuRe-Mission (Sic) : S. Madison Gage
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"I want to feel more pain, more than I have now.  I don't think I could ever get enough."
"It's something one grows to love. The way it nourishes you, like a kind of food, is odd. Without it I feel cut off. . . adrift from everything human and familiar." 

 ". . .so I create situations in which a certain level of pain is guaranteed. This is how I explain getting cancer."

MECHLORETHAMINE 
(administered by injection)  

Special precautions:  While you are using mechlorethamine, your doctor may want you to drink extra fluids so that you will pass more urine. This will help prevent kidney and bladder problems. 

Side effects that do not usually require medical attention:  Fever; chills; missed menstrual periods; painful rash; joint pain; loss of hearing; ringing in ears; black, tarry stools; itching; numbness; tingling or burning of fingers, toes, or face; shortness of breath; yellowing of eyes and skin; nausea; vomiting (usually lasts between eight and forty-eight hours).  
 

"Two cells collide and twenty-four years later I'm sitting on the bathroom floor in a puddle of my own vomit. . . playing with it the way a child toys with its food."
 
"How one can wake up one day and have cancer. . . sends the mind reeling. It had been there, inside of me, for who knows how long. . . entirely undetected. But once I found out about it, suddenly, I felt a lot worse (or did I feel better?)." 

"You find out that people treat you differently when they know you're sick. No one ever told me this; it's something that I found out on my own. They watch what they say. . . careful not to upset you, or remind you of your illness. It doesn't work, though Appendx 2 page break 22 | 23 . . . it's obvious what they're up to, and they seem so stupidly insincere." 

ESTRAMUSTINE 
(administered orally) 

Side effects requiring immediate medical attention:  Headaches (severe or sudden); loss of coordination (sudden); pains in chest, groin, or legs (especially calves); shortness of breath (sudden, for no apparent reason); skin rash or fever; slurred speech (sudden); vision changes (sudden). Other:  Fever; chills; sore throat; unusual bleeding or bruising; unusual fatigue.  

Side effects that usually do not require medical attention (unless prolonged or severe):  Breast tenderness or enlargement; nausea; diarrhea.   
 

DOXORUBICIN 
(administered by injection)  

Special precautions:  Doxorubicin causes the urine to turn reddish in color, which may stain clothes. This is not blood. It is perfectly normal and lasts for only one to two days following each treatment.  

Side effects requiring immediate medical attention:  Unusually fast or irregular heartbeat; pain at place of injection; shortness of breath; swelling of feet and lower legs; wheezing. If doxorubicin accidentally seeps out of the vein, it may damage tissue and cause scarring.  Notify medical personnel immediately should you notice redness, pain, or swelling at the IV site.  

Side effects that usually do not require medical attention:  Loss of hair; nausea; vomiting; reddish urine; darkening of soles, palms, or nails. 

"I find it difficult to separate what I have from what I don't. There's something particularly gratifying in the pain of anticipation, something fulfilling about the fear of conclusion, something hideously deprecating, something particularly self-mutilating, something gloriously depraved. . . it's  beautiful." 

"Also, there's something poetic about being eaten alive . . . something romantic about a slow and methodical death. Movies that showed people being buried alive have always really fascinated me." 

"When I was younger, my friend and I used the phone to test out people's credulity—just to see how far you could go. We'd pretend to be delivery persons—people would get really scared that we would deliver something they didn't want or hadn't ordered." 

"We had a double-talk phrase that was incomprehensible—just below the threshold of understanding. They'd ask, "What are you going to deliver?" and we'd say, "Well, we have a ga-shack-gonna-have-a-hear, and we have to bring it by some time today. It's been on the loading dock for a while and we have to get rid of it." They'd say, "You have a what?", and we'd say, "Yeah, is there going to be somebody there to sign for it?" and they'd say, "But what do you have?" and we'd just keep skirting the issue and they'd be afraid that we were going to deliver something they'd have to pay for." Appendx 2 page break 23 | 24 

"Every once in a while we'd call up and the person would ask, "Oh, are you from Sears? Is it about the couch?" And we'd say, "Yeah, we've got the couch. . . did anybody call you about the smoke damage?" And they'd say, "What smoke damage?" We'd say, "Well, it wasn't really burnt in the warehouse, but it's mostly on the back—you won't even see it. But the discount will probably be on the bill." They'd say, "Hey, wait a minute! what are you talking about?" We'd say, "Is somebody going to be there around 2:30?" And they'd say, "Hey, wait a minute!" and we'd say, "Well, we'll see you at 2:30, have someone home to sign for it!" and hang up while they were saying, "Wait a minute!"" next page

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