goto Appendx main menuRe-Mission (Sic) : S. Madison Gage
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onto his saintly, translucent lips  
the heavy black spit drips,  
and with his tragic tongue  
he licks it quietly out of view.  

It is all he can taste:  
powerful  
It is all he can taste:  
bitter  
It is all he can taste:  
sweet  Appendx 2 page break 24 | 25 

It overcomes the flavor of everything:  
the morsel of his desperate plate,  
the liquid of his desperate glass,  
the tongue of his desperate lover.  
this disease shares him hungrily  
taking without his permission,  
and yet,  
with his blessing  

previous pagePLICAMYCIN  
(administered by injection)   
Special precautions:  Do not take aspirin (ASA) or any other preparations containing aspirin or salicylate compounds without first consulting your doctor.   

Side effects needing immediate medical attention:  Bloody or black, tarry stools; flushing; redness; swelling of face; skin rash or small red spots on skin; unexplained nosebleeding; unusual bleeding or bruising; vomiting of blood.   

Side effects that usually do not require medical attention:  Diarrhea; irritation or soreness of mouth; loss of appetite; nausea; vomiting; drowsiness; mental depression; headache.    
 
 

". . . and when I don't get enough of it, I wonder if I will die of starvation." 

"We called up a woman and told her that we were the police and that we had her daughter—her daughter had been down in this main part of town indecently exposing herself and setting fires. And the woman goes, "Oh my god! I've been expecting something like this." And we said, "She was with a bunch of Hare Krishnas at the time." And the woman goes, "Oh, my god. I knew my daughter knew some Hare Krishnas! I knew something like this was going to happen. Oh my god." And it got worse—everything we'd say, the woman would go, "Oh, no, no, no." 

"Then she started crying, "I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm sorry to act this way." And I said (deep voice), "I understand, ma'am, I have a daughter of my own. . . Ordinarily we'd just release her into your custody, but arson's a pretty serious charge. You'd better come down to the sheriff's substation right away." She sobbed, "I'll call my husband at work and we'll be right down.""

 
CARMUSTEN  
(administered by injection) 

Side effects needing immediate medical attention:  If carmustine accidentally seeps out of the vein, it may damage tissue and cause scarring. Notify medical personnel immediately should you notice redness, pain, or swelling at the IV site. Cough; fever; chills; sore throat; shortness of breath; unusual bleeding or bruising; flushing of face; sores in mouth and on lips; unusual fatigue of weakness; swelling of feet or lower legs; unusual decrease in urination. 

Side effects that affect the lungs (for example, cough and shortness of breath) may be more likely if you smoke.  
 Side effects that do not usually require medical attention:  Nausea and vomiting; discoloration of skin along the vein of injection; diarrhea; difficulty in swallowing; difficulty in walking; dizziness; loss of appetite; loss of hair; skin rash and itching.  Appendx 2 page break 25 | 26 

At my house Terrence Des Pres' The Survivor occupies the coffee table in much the same way Jacques Cousteau's Underwater World does in others'. What I wonder is. . . how did the concentration camp prisoners ever surviveafter the war?

"I get up. The light bothers me. It gets so fucking hot in here. It's a wonder I don't drown in my own sweat. I roll over onto my side and stare at the wall, the orange wall. I painted it orange because I read somewhere that it would make me happier. It didn't. I lay with my knees pressed against my chest. . . the spit slides down my cheek and onto the pillow where it burns right through it, the mattress, the box spring, and the floor below—like battery acid." 

"Finally no, of course, god does not exist or else he would put you out of your misery sooner," she said. 

"You can do it in person sometimes, but over the phone you can do it to anybody. One time, at about two in the morning, Barry and I picked one guy out of the phone book and woke him out of a sound sleep. Barry said, "Hi! I'm sorry to call you up this late at night, but my friend and I just got into town, and you said if I ever came to town to give you a call. So here I am." Meanwhile you could hear the wife in the background real groggy coming in and saying, "Who is it? Who is that?" And Barry says, "Well, we're going to look for a motel tomorrow, but it's kind of late tonight—do you think maybe we could come over and say with you?" And the guy says, "Uh, well sure, I don't see why not!" So Barry says, "I'm sorry to inconvenience you. I know it's late, but I'm not familiar with this town at all:  can you give me directions on how to get to your place?" And the guy starts giving him really clear instructions, but Barry keeps getting really confused and asking more and more directions, finally saying. "Well here, talk to my friend. He's  more familiar with the town." And he handed the phone over to me." 

"I said, "How do we get over to your house?" and the guy was explaining. And I said, "Oh, I hope these bags of cement we have won't be a problem." And the guy says, "Huh?" I say, "We've got quite a bit of cement, and we kinda need some place to put it for a week or so. How are you fixed for space?" And the guy says, "Well, my wife and I are in a mobile home, and we don't have much room." I said, "Well, there aren't many of these—maybe you could move the couch out and put them between the couch and the wall. It wouldn't take up much room. Or you could put 'em on the grass, and I'm Appendx 2 page break 26 | 27 sure a week of cement on the grass wouldn't kill it." And the guy was saying, "Cement?" And I said, "Oh, you know...these bags.""

"The guy's wife was getting really pissed off in the background, saying:  "Who is it? WHO'S coming to stay here?" And you could hear him arguing with his wife. Then the wife grabs the phone away from the guy and says, "Listen, I don't know who you are, but this is kinda late at night. Can't you find a motel room?" And I said, "Well . . . we're strangers in town, and we'd feel really uncomfortable staying in a motel room." Then I said, "Hey! But how's this? We could pay for you to go to a motel room and then we could sleep in your trailer. I think we'd like that a lot more!" Then the lady says, real mad, "We aren't going to go stay in a motel room! YOU stay in a motel room!  WHOEVER you are!" 

"I don't believe in god anymore. It's too hot here to believe in anything. After some consideration I have come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be true—what they say that is. . . that if there were a god there would be no suffering. This concerns me. In that scenario my sweet suffering would go away, be forgotten. But on the other hand, maybe if there were a god, he wouldn't let the suffering end. . . if that's what one wanted. You know, passio perpetuae.  I hope there is a god." next page

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